"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Waiting for Godot

My life sometimes feels like I'm waiting for Godot, but only in that one aspect, on that one front.

Although the world says I shouldn't be sitting on my lard ass waiting! I should be going out there meeting people!

I do go out. Could I do better? Sure. Am I so inclined? Erm, not so much.

I wonder why I'm like that. Does it mean I don't really desire someone significant in my life? Do I really have to want it almost in desperation? And what of being self-contained and self-sufficient? Is there no appreciation for that? Does that not count or matter?

Between you and me, there are huge chunks of time in my life when I am a-ok with everything that is. Most of the time, I can tell you that I truly don't operate in my life focused on what's not in it, who's not there.

And oh, there's a part of me that just totally savors my independence, my sacred solitude, my alone time, my own company.

That's where I live most of the time. There are moments when I do yearn for someone there, I don't think that's odd or wrong or sad. I think it's quite normal, actually.

It just gets tiring sometimes, you know? It gets old. I'm no longer in my 20s when I would wallow a little too much in it.

And maybe that's what my 40s will gift me with. A tiredness, a boredom from the tedium of yearning for that. And just savoring all this. Maybe, waiting for Godot doesn't have to be a place of impatience, and yes, frustration. Maybe in my 40s I can be a little blase about it. Maybe sip tea and eat scones, lose myself in a good read, listen to music that moves me, enjoy the company of good friends, cherish my family and with eyes closed, sing to God with all my heart.

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