"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Monday, September 13, 2010

Yearning Doesn't Exclude You from Joy

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be." ~ Ellen Burstyn

No matter how I hee and haw about loneliness, I will admit to you today that I truly cherish and utterly savor my alone time.

It is when my spirit is replenished. It's when I can hear myself think. My alone time is like taking a deep breath. It is time spent with someone whose company I honestly enjoy: me. Funny-looking, forty-year-old me. It may seem audacious to say I like my own company but I do, and it is a good thing I think, given that there's no escaping yourself.

I look for it, this alone time. In fact, I know I'm hiding from something I don't want to face when I jam pack my schedule with meet-ups with people. When I get too social to escape dealing with how I'm feeling, that's when I know something's off.

Since coming back from NYC, Piglet's high school friend's been staying with us while she looks for a place to move into and I find myself stealing alone time in my own flat. It's weird cause this flat is my resting place, this is where my heart rests. Where I am just myself, no matter how that looks or feels or sounds at the moment. This is where I give myself permission to just be.

I'm typing this on my sofa in the living room on a Monday evening just having eaten dinner and I'm liking this moment. Sure, there are things I wish were different in my life. But it doesn't mean I don't like my life. Maybe that's all part of the journey. Contentment is not necessarily completeness. Maybe that's how God designed it. Because only God can truly know and complete us. Maybe yearning is the constant, no matter what it is you're yearning for. But no matter how constant that is, that doesn't exempt you from contentment. That doesn't exclude you from joy.

Oh Mayang, please don't forget that, ok honey? Don't forget that yearning doesn't exclude you from joy.

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