"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Can Someone Get Me My Writing Mojo Back?

"Writing is a product of silence." ~ Carrie Latet

And there is the crux of the matter right there in the quote above. I haven't been spending enough time alone, simmering in my stew. I haven't given myself the hours to ponder and reflect to the point that I get moved to pen the words.

Why is that, you may ask? Lately, I've been dreading being alone. If I were even only half honest with myself, I can see that for a while now I've been pushing aside the alone time because dang it, lately, I don't want to be alone. It feels like it is only a small step away from loneliness and dang it, I didn't want to go there. Not lately and not now. But I do see that that is partly why I haven't been writing and it seemed like I should at least acknowledge that here.

There's also a bit of pining in my heart that I've been coming to grips with. Sometimes, I can't help pine to have someone significant in my life in the eros kind of way, you know? Although I abhor people who bemoan their singlehood to the hilt, I do get there too. The only difference is that I hate venting about it. So what results is a silent blog. I guess I would much rather not write about it than spend way too much time wallowing in it.

Someone once said that we need to know darkness to recognize the light, and well, in the chiaroscuro of my life, let's just say that I'm dark gray of late. I don't particularly enjoy being in this space, but dang it, it is where I am so there.

And yet, even in the swirling grays, there are things to be grateful for. And of course you know me well enough to know that the pharmaceutical companies will get credit first. :) Top of the list? Thyroid hormone therapy. Remember the first half of this year when I was all blah and lethargic? Well, it was a hormonal imbalance in my thyroid. No, I'm not hyper or hypo, but I have been under hormone therapy to keep the levels within the healthy range for a few years now and my doctor tweaked the dosage and voila! Energetic Mayang is back! Well, not necessarily back in full force, but back in the sense that I'm exercising a little more. Not - and probably will never get back to - the deranged levels of yesteryears, but I'm so a-ok with that. The goal is health, not vanity. Although I still live in dire, flickering hope that these knockers will turn on a straight man at least once in my lifetime. :)

Also, it's been so far a year of making a lot of friends for me, which feels like a warm, long bear hug. So many new friends. It's like Aslan winking at me sometimes. Or reaching out to hold my hand. Or looking me in the eye and returning my smile. "I know, Mayang. I know where you are. I have not lost sight of you. I know."

And I sigh. I always sigh. Aslan has that effect on me. How can I not? To paraphrase Henri Nouwen, I am the Beloved of God. How can I not sigh?

There's also been an awakened collective consciousness for us Filipinos after the typhoons and getting to the brink of enough is enough with the way things are back home. Being a part of that feels purposeful and right. For that too, I am grateful. Make no mistake, it is an enlightened awakening that will ask a lot of each of us. But it will give us the opportunity to define ourselves. In the words of Mary Karr: "I was made, not to prove myself worthy but to refine the worth I'm formed from, acknowledge it, own it, spend it on others." Or Walt Whitman in his poem "O Me! O Life!": "The powerful play goes on and you will contribute a verse." (Notice he doesn't say that you may contribute? He says you will. Even if you do nothing. That too is a contribution.)

Hopefully, by writing this entry, I will have started to get my writing mojo back. Or at least beckon it to return just as I gingerly go back into the silence that will help me find my center again.

(Photo credit: iamtonyang)

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