"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How's This for Ending the Radio Silence on this Blog?

Have you ever stopped to think if the life you're leading now was the same one you envisioned when you were younger?

When I was a teenager, I was in love with the notion that I would meet my husband in college. Don't know where that came from. It just seemed ideal, I guess.

Then when I graduated from college, I didn't have any idea really what my life would look or where it was headed. I found my first job by visiting a college acquaintance (I can't remember her name!) at her workplace which happened to be a PR firm and got the job almost immediately. On my first day at work, I was assigned to this Singapore-based firm and two years later, that firm created a position for me in Singapore. I relocate at 22 and I've been based here ever since. That job plus three television networks later, here is where I am.

In the middle of all that, when I was in my 20s, I fell in love with another notion: that I would meet someone one Christmas while I'm home. This is a notion that I unwittingly shared with my then roommate Pershkins who then decided to ask me every time I came back from the Yuletide holidays if I met someone. (Note to self: Best to keep notions secret or risk feeling like a loser every time you are asked about it.) She meant well though. She always comes from a good place, my Pershkins.

And now at 39, I still feel like I'm just stumbling along. Led by Christ for sure, but still stumbling. None of my two notions came to be, although there is still hope for one and God knows I'm the last person to go back to school just to see if there's a chance for the other.

But over the last week, I've had more than one friend wish I find a man. They all come from a good place, these friends. If it's any consolation, I wonder too. Although you know I'm too lazy to haul my lard ass to actually do something about it.

(Sidebar: Sister H asked me to pray one time for this woman who truly, madly and deeply believed that she should be married. I asked Sister H why that was so and she said, that was the desire of that woman's heart. Which led me to ask myself, given that I don't have that constantly burning desire, if that was why I didn't have that kind of love in my life. Do I need to want it that badly? And if I don't, does that mean I don't desire it? Because I do. Just not with a consistent fervor.)

Deep inside though, there is a kind of man I think would be yin to my yang. Someone with whom I can share a banter. One who loves the God I love. Someone who not only does not mind that I'm loud but is not embarrassed by it and is in fact proud of who I am. A person who sees me work the room and make people laugh and likes that about me. (I'd go on and on, but I don't want this entry to end up sounding like a Depeche Mode song so I'll stop here).

I guess the point of this long-winded entry is that even if you don't have a plan, God will lead you to your life, the life He planned for you. And that if you did have a plan, He will still lead you to your life, in spite of all our hard work and expectations. And that that life He leads you to is better than the one you even dare envision. More extraordinary than you can ever imagine.

If anything, I would like to give God wiggle room to surprise me. For He is a God of surprises. And I think, nay, I know that His plans for me are marvelous beyond anything I can ever dream of.


vivacemusica said...

I've had similar notions as you. In fact, I'm in love with the notion that I'll find "the one" when I head back to school in this coming fall. I have a love-hate relationship with the way things never turn out as I'd like them to.

Mayang said...

Hey hey!

Congratulations again on the scholarship and the two-year program! Let me know if one of your notions become reality. I sure could use a shot of hope every now and then. :)

I loved your post about secret joys. May this new adventure bring you unspeakable joy, secret or otherwise.

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