"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Strength and Courage

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu

I desire both strength and courage.

I am 38 years old.

I am single.

I am independent.

I am alone.

And I would be lying to you if I tell you that I never get to that point of feeling a certain void in my life because I don't have a companion in this journey. Most days I don't get there. Valentine's Day is one of those days when I wander away from feeling ok. Although today I'm pleased that it's not coming across like a seering pain. More like a numb throbbing. I notice it - my loneliness - almost like it wasn't part of my being. It's as if it sits with me on this sofa, beside me but removed from me. Near me, but not inside of me.

I like that there's a distance. I can separate myself from it. I can tell my truth without losing myself in it. I can acknowledge my truth while keeping my heart open.

Today's Bible reflection talked about God's compassion. Jon Escoto asks us to "Think about it. Jesus actually feels how you feel! And when we pray, the compassion of this 'God who feels' compels Him, as if He has no choice, but to reach out to you."

I find much comfort in that. That He doesn't only know how I feel. But that He feels how I feel. That He reaches out to me. That He is compelled to reach out as if He had no choice.

Lately, I've also been praying this prayer from an essay written by Pam Houston. I don't know if it's the constant influx of drugs in my blood stream, or the hours on end of silence caused by my malaise, or me missing my life due to my dis-ease. Whatever promptings of the spirit and stirrings of the heart this is, it speaks of a readiness that I am slowly realizing is where I am in the journey.

Today, I am finally ready for You to send me a big, deep, generous love.
But if You don't think I'm ready for big love,
then maybe just a little romance to keep the conversation going.
And if I'm not ready even for that, maybe just a sign that I'm on the right path.
~ Pam Houston

(Photo credit: dog ma)

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