"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Deck the Halls

Faithful is He Who is calling you to Himself and utterly trustworthy, and He will fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:24

I'm right smack dab in the middle of Christmas festivities which is typical as we count down to the yearly pilgrimage back to the homeland for a Filipino Christmas.

But I haven't lost myself in the merriment. Don't get me wrong, when I'm there, I'm there, but thankfully, lovingly, Aslan sets me aside as pockets of quiet time seem to be sprinkled in my days of late. There are a lot of times I feel like writing down the waves of my interior life, the laps in which I find peace and Christ amidst the turbulence and the little thoughtful movements that have touched me so.

Truth be told, I cannot find the words to describe my internal rumblings. Yesterday when I sat in front of the altar before choir practice, having the church all to myself for a bit, I got to a place where I found some of the words and I couldn't help but weep. It has been quite a ride, this month. A lot of self revelations where I realize that I am my own worst enemy. It's not an easy purging, and I doubt it'll take just one go to deal with it.

But I'm trying, you know? I'm taking three paces back and just observing my emotions and trying to be kind to myself for once. It is not easy for me and what a difficult revelation that is. To realize that things that are easy for me to give to others, I have a tough time giving to myself.

I know I'm sounding ambiguous, it really is very close to my core, which is why I grapple with even blogging about it. But it's momentous enough to mention, I think.

Forgive me for not elaborating, but suffice it to say I am in the fire. What does Zippy always say? Aslan is not a tame lion. Oh how I know that now.

(Photo credit: Mintyfreshflavor)


bluggerbug said...

Funny how we always end up talking about this, Mai.

Time and again, we find ourselves indulging other people's needs yet restrain ourselves all too often from self-gratification.

It's a-ok to hold back once in a while and without guilt. He will always be there to save the day regardless:)

Mayang said...

Hey Bluggerbug,

I know, I know, but this is more than just finances. It's not even gratification. It's respect. It's regard.

One day, I'll let you know about this season.

Thank you though for always being there and for letting me know that you *are* there for me.

bluggerbug said...

I did realize after leaving my previous comment that this might be about something else.

Just know that I'm always here for you :)

Mayang said...

Thank you babe. That means the world to me. I'll call you when I get back to Singapore from the Christmas holidays and tell you all about it.

It's a good place though, where I am right now. Tough but good. I know I will be better for it, if I don't miss what it has to teach me.

I should have also clarified that it's nothing my family is remiss with. It's not so much respect, but self-respect. And self-regard.

Basta, I'll call you in Jan ha.

Have a blessed Christmas sweetie. Hugs all around to my family in Queens!

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