"I am large. I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I Wrote This Letter Yesterday

I had no plans to post it. But tonight, just barely an hour after my Tito R's dying breath, it felt ok to post it.

It’s been a weird, stressful, antsy month for me so far, Lord. You who are all-knowing know all the many reasons why.

I go through the motions at work and yet, my heart hasn’t been in it lately. I think of Tito R in the hospital, with tubes running into his throat and his heart weak and he’s in such excruciating pain, and I find myself crying because I don’t want him in pain. None of us do. But here he is, he can’t breathe on his own and his heart is weak and he is fighting best he can. And we can’t do anything. None of us can do anything to help and we die our own little death countless of times over this. It is unbearable for him, and it breaks our hearts, Lord.

I pray – nay, I beg Lord, for Your mercy. Malu-oy Ka sa iya, Lord. He’s a good, good man. If he is to take his final journey Home, let it be, but none of this pain. If Your will is for him to live, I pray that by Your mercy give him the ability to breathe on his own. For this is a living death this day is. This week, this month. I almost feel guilty for praying these things, and You know I have been conflicted in my prayers. But I love this man, and yet I know that no matter how much I love him, that my love and our family’s love for him put altogether and multiplied a thousand-fold doesn’t even come close to Your love for him. So I beg of Your heart, Your heart from which this great love emanates, I beg of it, have mercy.

Have mercy Lord. Hear my plea, hear our cries.

Kaawaan Nyo po si Tito R. Parang awa Nyo na po.

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